But ... Sometimes I don't want to be known for just the weird clothes that I wear. Sometimes I think that's all people know me for. Seriously, I wore yoga pants once to drop Missouri off at school and a 12 people (TWELVE PEOPLE IN THE SPAN OF FIVE MINUTES) asked if I was "Okay." I appreciate the concern, but any other mom can live in yoga pants and nobody says a peep to them. I take a day off from bows and I am bombarded by the disappointment of bystanders.
Wha wha wha.
I suppose sometimes I feel like the Queen Amidala of everything. Oh Star Wars references. What does that mean, you ask? Aside from how she looked/dressed and who she was married to and mother of - Describe Queen Amidala. You can't because after you take physical oddities and attire out of the picture, and you take her relationships to important people out of the mix - you have a fairly vapid and lifeless character. Burn. Take that Episode I, II, and III. Oh and myself, I guess. Dangit.
Anyway, what I am saying is that it has become painfully clear I spend way too much time on stupid stuff that doesn't mean anything. Example: I spent three hours sewing a Pound Puppies dress that I never really liked and only wore once. Why? I don't really know, but that's silly. Or, oh this - this kicked my but and hurt my feelings - I spent almost 6 hours dying my hair purple - which was adorable, but I was confronted with the thought of this: When was the last time I spent a solid six hours reading the Bible, praying or working on my compassion, kindness and you know on stuff that matters? That's right. I don't. Ouch.
So what's going on with Hannah? I am working on my character rather than my appearance. This does not mean I will not wear bows or vintage bed sheets sew into dresses anymore. That's still my style, but it is not who I am. I am fun and sassy, sure, but I want to be known for love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness and self control. I am going to do that by spending less time on themes for outfits and spending more time on doing, giving, loving and learning. See? Easy peasy.
Where is this coming from? A few weeks ago Missouri and I were reading this book called "Outrageous Woman of The Civil War." We had just read a chapter about Clara Barton and Missouri says, "I like how this book doesn't talk about how pretty Clara was, because Mom, I have read the Bible and 'pretty' and 'skinny' are not Fruits of The Spirit. How you look totally doesn't matter." Holy crap, my six year old just schooled me.
How we look doesn't matter. Not at all. Sure, don't be gross, but don't be so obsessed with the physical. That's what matters to the world, and as I believer I am suppose to live that although I am living in the world I am NOT supposed to conform and be all about the world. My Savior doesn't care what my "style" is. He does not need my clothes to define me, but He does want me to exhibit the Fruits of the Spirit. (Galatians 5:22-23.) And how can I exhibit those characteristics if I spend all my time working on my hair. And like I said, I will still have my style, but my goal is not to LOOK fabulous. My goal is to BE fabulous. I don't want to spent hours on an outfit if I am not willing to spend hours on my insides.
Now this mind renovation of sorts is on the heels of another new discovery: I have been real unhappy for a while. Like a funk (not the fun George Clinton kind either), but like a legit sadness and panic attacks about nothing. And I've been crazy before - Actually, I was Mayor of Crazy Town for a few years. (Doug met me just after I had resigned as said Mayor ... and he liked me anyway. Win.) Anyway, the way I've felt for the past year is nothing like how I felt then. I don't want to hurt myself - I still like me. I've just been sad. Yes. Now here is the fun news: I went to the doctor and found out that I have a vitamin D deficiency. What?!!! Pale little old me just needs sunlight?!?! Brilliant! So I was prescribed sunlight and some vitamins. My headaches are betterish (I still have to avoid triggers, but on the daily the head is much better) and I haven't passed out. My blood pressure isn't scary low anymore and I feel so much better. AND for the first time in my life I am getting a tan. It's gross and wonderful all at the same time.
Basically my life, as all life should be, is changing. I am moving, growing, current and no longer stagnant nor sad. I apparently just needed sunshine and nourishment. And I am super happy about the changes. I might not have a new theme or a fancy bow on my head, but I might have a tan and some fancy hope in my head - which is beyond lovely.
Yes, sir, this Jones is a-changin'. Mmmhm.
Oh and we got cats!!! Two adorably sweet black kittens. They can't replace our basset hound Delia, but they are a delightful addition to our home. Indie named the boy kitten, who is spry, sly, and all black, Ninja Cat Darth Vader. And Missouri named the girl cat, who is sweet and is mostly all black, but has white mittens and necklace, Princess Rosetta. They are adorable! Pictures a plenty coming soon.
And now this: People, you don't need a partner that will tell you that they heard a love song and thought of you. No. You need a partner that heard a love song and thought of how God thinks of you. If you are a believer that is married, there is nothing better than spouse that continues to spur, encourage and nourish your soul. This is why you are dating, you don't pick the person who just gives you butterflies - You pick the person that also points out how creative our God is to make butterflies. I hope you have a person like that in your life. I do and I cherish me some Doug Jones.
Here is the song with the lyrics all typed out and ready to go. Now your mission, should you choose to accept it: Listen to this song and think of the words as something God is saying to you. We are all sinners. We all make huge mistakes. We all wonder away. We have all probably felt like you can't see God through all of your mess, but I assure you - God doesn't just give up on you all willy nilly. I pray you know that relationship, if you don't I would love to talk to you more, or give you a hug. You know - whatever you need. Go. Listen. Renew. Love. Hugs, friends. You are beautiful.
